Then and now...

"This morning I realized that we’ve never spent daddy’s birthday with him."

That was the welcome in my inbox this morning from Mike. And he was right.

Pity we can't do anything about it.

I remember September 12, 1991. Mike and I were at home, and my mom reminded us that we needed to call daddy. Wish him a happy birthday, she said. Mike would make the call. They talked a little afterward about school and whatever else, then he handed the phone to me.

I was almost hesitant.

My father and I didn't have a good relationship, to say the least. I still have pains in my right ear from a beating I took about 20 years ago at his hands. But three years back then was a long time, and I'd my feelings had changed from hate to resentment, so I was able to get through a 5-minute phone call.

I wished him a happy birthday, and he asked me about classes. He knew the gifted and talented school was doing a number on me, and I was struggling to maintain a 3.5 (at Bates Academy, that was a G+ average... lol) in my classes. Then he told me that he wanted us to hang with him sometime in the future. He and the misses were getting a house, and he wanted us to like it, too.

When the time came for that trip, Mike went alone. The residuals from our previous encounters still nagged at me.

Now, he's been gone almost 17 years, and all I have are what-ifs.

If he were still here, I believe the man I've become would've been enough for he and I to get past the issues. I'd probably have sent him something in the mail, given him a call to make sure he got it, and got off the phone. Were he here, I wouldn't have needed to catch up. He would be an active participant in my life.

And he'd be proud of the man my brother's become.

My father told me once that he was so hard on me because he knew that which I was capable. He had plans for me, and, while I doubt I've done it the way he expected, I think he'd be proud.

Happy 64th, daddy. May you have many more.